


all drinks are free

by adamantine



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Copious amounts of alcohol - Freeform, M/M, Minor Acxa/Veronica (Voltron), Minor Allura/Lance (Voltron), pure silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2018-12-03
Packaged: 2019-09-06 11:34:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,560
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16831807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adamantine/pseuds/adamantine
Summary: The murder occurs in the kitchen adjacent to the Garrison’s ballroom. It’s a violent crime scene. The victim has been mangled beyond recognition. It’s a tragedy that looms over the Garrison, marring what should have been a joyful time.The Garrison’s security cameras are able to catch the comings and goings of those entering the kitchen, but for the privacy of its employees, there are no cameras inside the kitchen.Piecing together what happened that night is difficult given the nature of the event and the amount of alcohol consumed.Or: This is what happens when you let Lance plan a bachelor party.





	all drinks are free

**Author's Note:**

> this ain't a baccano! it's a rashomon

I.

The murder occurs in the kitchen adjacent to the Garrison’s ballroom. It’s a violent crime scene. The victim has been mangled beyond recognition. It’s a tragedy that looms over the Garrison, marring what should have been a joyful time.

The Garrison’s security cameras are able to catch the comings and goings of those entering the kitchen, but for the privacy of its employees, there are no cameras inside the kitchen.

Piecing together what happened that night is difficult given the nature of the event and the amount of alcohol consumed.

II.

Iverson checks in the with the victim before leaving, making sure they’re safe and secure. He’s conscious of the danger that lurks in the ballroom but he doesn’t have the ability to keep the victim at home. The Garrison’s kitchen will have to do.

He leaves at approximately 9:00 p.m., early by the party’s standards. Iverson is fond of Shirogane and has a gained a certain respect for Kogane, but once their bachelor party is in full swing no amount of promises of a good time can keep him there. He’s frankly already seen too much.

Coran, Pidge, and Lance start planning the party as soon as Shirogane and Kogane announce their engagement. Neither Shirogane nor Kogane asks them to do this. Kogane doesn’t even seem to see the point in having a bachelor party (“Why would I want to celebrate _not_ being married to Shiro?”) but it does nothing to diminish the trio’s zeal. Their enthusiasm can’t be dampened. They seem more excited by the bachelor party than the wedding. It’s worrisome. Iverson is not eager to see how the night will unfold. Coran is planning something terrible; he can sense it. He’s had the misfortune of stumbling upon Coran’s internet browsing history and it does not bode well.

Veronica is roped into DJing. Her music selection is clearly trying to set a mood, one that Iverson wants no part of. Leifsdottir and Romelle are bartending. Leifsdottir has a knack for mixing drinks that is downright intimidating. It’s balanced out by Romelle’s inability to read English; she does not provide a single guest with the drink they’ve requested. Hunk and Allura are in charge of food. Allura uses her extensive knowledge of alien species to help Hunk create foods shaped in a variety of genitalia from throughout the galaxy.

When Iverson says his goodbyes to the happy couple Shirogane is not quite drunk, but he’s getting there. He speaks a little too loud and smiles a little too wide. Kogane is his complete opposite, quiet and composed as he sips on something lethal looking (undoubtedly a Romelle original).

He’s thrilled to leave the party. Zethrid and Ezor are making out in the hallway. It reaffirms he’s making the right decision. He has to be up early in the morning anyway.

His alibi appears to be airtight. He’s seen entering his quarters on the Garrison’s security footage and does not exit until the next morning when he discovers the crime scene.

III.

There are events of the night that Shiro remembers with great clarity. There are other events of the night he has no recollection of whatsoever. Most of his memories exist somewhere in between: vague impressions and feelings, moments he’s not sure were real or drunken hallucinations.

At approximately 9:30 p.m. he challenges Keith to a drinking contest. Lance’s whining about how Keith beat him earlier goads him into it.

“There’s something wrong with Keith. I think he’s immune to alcohol. It’s the only explanation for why he won.”

Shiro laughs and slaps Lance’s back. It’s meant to be a friendly tap but he misjudges the strength of his prosthetic arm and sends Lance stumbling into Acxa. She glares at him. He glares back. They’ve developed some sort of rivalry they attempt to hide whenever Veronica is looking. “I don’t think that’s a thing. Didn’t you see Krolia at the gala?”

Lance dusts off Acxa’s cooties. She sticks her tongue out at him and disappears into the crowd. “Yeah, that’s my point. She was drinking something that looked like nuclear waste. It was glowing, Shiro. _Glowing_.”

“Lance, you’re kind of a lightweight. I’m pretty sure even Pidge could outdrink you. Keith beating you in a drinking contest doesn’t mean he has some weird alcohol immunity.”

Lance starts to say something, but it’s drowned out by a song that makes Shiro feel like he’s at a middle school dance. He half expects his seventh-grade crush CJ Thornton to pop out and tell him “You’re a cool guy and all, but I just don’t see you that way,” to really sell the nostalgia of it.

“What was that?” Shiro shouts over his trauma.

”I said, why don’t you challenge your half-alien fiancé to a drinking contest then?” If it’s meant to be a joke, Shiro isn’t laughing. He’s not going to listen to Lance’s bruised ego for the rest of the night. He’s going to prove him wrong.

“Thanks, I will.”

Keith accepts Shiro’s challenge with an amused smirk. Despite his warnings, Lance is happy to spread word of the match, building hype and anticipation. Shiro thinks he even sees Lance taking bets. He wonders if Lance has played him.

It doesn’t take long until practically the entire party is there, surrounding them to watch. It should be nerve-racking, but Shiro barely pays attention to them. He’s looking at Keith, and he likes what he sees. He dressed up for the occasion: tight black pants that make his legs look endless and a red leather jacket that gives him a bad boy persona that Shiro is hopelessly attracted to. Just looking at him makes Shiro thirsty.

Romelle supplies the shots. He has no idea what’s in them. He doubts Romelle knows either.

“Are you sure you want to do this?” Keith asks. It’s a fair question, not meant to mock. They could very well both end up with alcohol poisoning because of Romelle mixing drinks.

Shiro answers by taking a shot. The crowd hoots and hollers.

Keith is unbothered. His eyes stay on Shiro’s as he knocks back a shot of his own. It’s on.

This is where Shiro’s memory of the night gets blurry. At some point, he sits in Keith’s lap and they feed each other shots. He’s significantly oversized for the endeavor but inebriated Shiro doesn’t care. Inebriated Shiro is like a golden retriever that refuses to believe it’s not a lapdog. He _feels_ like he fits, and that’s all that matters.

He calls Keith “baby”—a nickname he’s never used before—and Keith goes from smug eyebrow quirking to stuttering embarrassment. Shiro repeats the endearment ad nauseam for several rounds of shots, pleased with himself for making Keith turn as red as his jacket. He’s challenged to take off his shirt by Lance or Allura. He does and ravishes Keith’s left ear. He can’t explain why one led to the other, only admit that it did.

Shiro loses the drinking contest, eventually giving up to save his liver. Lance is wrong. Keith _can_ get drunk, but it’s not the alcohol that does it. He’s drunk on Shiro’s attention, barely protesting when Shiro drags him to dance. He spins and tosses Keith around a few times, pushing his coordination to the limits and paying no attention to the music. He’s saved before he can break his (or Keith’s) neck when the dance floor is cleared for a “special performance.” He’s too drunk to be suspicious of Pidge ushering them into chairs, or of the lights dimming and Allura placing a pole in the middle of the stage.

“I’m going to kill them.” Before Shiro can ask who Keith means the music blares back to life and Coran, Hunk, and Lance strut their way on stage.

Lance takes to the pole while Coran and Hunk flank his sides. Coran dances to a song only he can hear; the brief moments he matches the beat of the music are accidental. Hunk approaches dancing from the hips; he gyrates as if his life depends on it. The two of them are in direct contrast to Lance; his skill with the pole suggests it's not something he’s picked up for the bachelor party, but something he’s honed through years of hard work. His otherwise professional routine is marred by the fact that he keeps sticking out his lips and scrunching up his eyebrows.

The music changes and Coran rips off his shirt in a rare display of his Altean strength. He sets his eyes on Shiro, and Shiro is distantly aware of Hunk’s hips making their way toward Keith. Shiro, naively, expects Coran to stop a respectful distance away from him. He feels hope when Coran pauses for a moment, but that hope is dashed when Coran rips off his pants before honing in on Shiro’s lap.

At least it’s just Coran. Keith ends up sandwiched between Hunk and Lance at one point until his threats to maim Lance become a little too graphic and mood-killing for Lance to put up with. After that, he’s almost relieved to let Hunk knock into him.

The performance can’t be more than ten minutes long, but the bizarreness of it makes it feel like it’s gone on for hours. He thinks it’s 11:30 p.m. by the time he escapes to grab another drink (from Leifsdottir this time) before liberating Keith from their friends. They sneak into the kitchen and kiss for a bit. He’s not sure how much time passes. His grasp of the concept grows more and more nebulous with each press of Keith’s lips. A few people walk in on them, but Shiro doesn’t remember if any of them approach where the victim is secured for the night. He was a bit preoccupied.

When the corpse is discovered in the morning the ensuing shout from Iverson wakes Shiro up from where he’s fallen asleep on the patio with Keith. Shiro’s head is killing him and the sun feels obnoxiously bright. Iverson’s voice, even muffled through a sliding glass door makes him regret his existence until Keith, blessed Keith, says he’ll go and check up on what Iverson is fussing about. Keith untangles himself from Shiro’s arms; his absent body heat makes Shiro whine a little. Keith soothes him with a kiss on the forehead.

Shiro remains blissfully unaware of the adjacent crime scene for a few moments longer.

IV.

Lance is pretty pleased with how the bachelor party turns out. Excluding the murder, the night is smooth sailing and he’s proud of his part of the planning. He’s given the whole room a red and black look, making sure everything from the tablecloths to the shot glasses match. He’s gone way over budget to pull it off, but it’s worth it. It gives the party _class_.

By around 8 p.m. most of the guests have arrived. Lance figures it’s time for him to get something to drink. At the bar, he spots Keith and jumps at the chance to say hello because he’s a nice guy like that. “Hey, mullet. What are you drinking?”

“No idea. Romelle can’t read English.”

Lance is aware of this but she really, _really_ wanted to bartend and he sucked at saying no to her. Also, this meant he was free from her wrecking havoc elsewhere. “Careful. You don’t want to end up drunk and making a fool of yourself before the night truly starts.”

“I can handle my liquor, thanks.” The look on his face sets off Lance’s old desires of wanting to prove he’s better than Keith at something.

“Oh yeah? I bet I can outdrink you.”

“I really don’t think you can.” He’s such a smug brat. Lance can’t stand it.

“How about we hold a little contest?” Lance is stone cold sober while Keith is halfway through a toxic Romelle concoction. He’s pretty sure he’s got this in the bag.

“You’re on.”

Let it be known that while Lance is quick to be goaded into doing stupid things, he’s not _actually_ an idiot, thanks. They’re only a few drinks in when he starts to suspect they’re not having the same effect on Keith as they are on him. Keith might as well be drinking water. Lance calls it quits _and_ calls Keith out on cheating.

“How can I be cheating? I’m drinking the exact same stuff you are.” Lance instantly picks up on something malicious in Keith’s expression. Keith is cheating. He’s cheating and he’s laughing about it.

“You just are!” He runs the possibilities through his head and comes to a conclusion. “I bet it’s because you’re Galra.”

“You’re just a sore loser.”

“Whatever, I know the truth.”

He ditches Keith after that to nurse his wounded pride. Even if Keith’s Galra heritage gives him an advantage, it still grinds his gears to lose to Keith. When he finds Shiro a bit later he unloads all of his pain, hoping for a sympathetic ear, but of course Shiro sides with Keith. He’s completely blind to all of Keith’s faults. He has to be to marry him, but still. It’s unbelievable sometimes.

“I think Keith’s immune to alcohol. It’s the only explanation for why he won.”

Instead of taking Lance’s accusations seriously, he laughs in his face and hits him on the back so hard he runs into the second most annoying person in the room: Acxa. Acxa gives him the stink eye. He does not get why Veronica likes her.

“That’s not a thing. You saw Krolia at the Gala.”

Instead of clawing his eyes out, Acxa merely sticks out her tongue before, no doubt, heading to Veronica. Lance doesn’t understand what higher power he pissed off that this is now his life (was it Bob?).

“I saw her drinking something that looked like nuclear waste. It was glowing, Shiro. _Glowing_.” Seeing how little human alcohol affects Keith, he’s pretty sure that what Krolia drank would kill the average human.

“No offense Lance, but you’re a lightweight. Even Pidge could outdrink you. Keith doesn’t have some weird alcohol immunity.”

It’s a total and utter betrayal, even if it’s exactly what he expects of Shiro. A lightweight? Lance is not a lightweight. He could take on Pidge. She’s like ninety pounds.

“I can’t believe you’re siding with Keith, as usual.” His words are lost by Veronica blasting some tragically cliché pop song a decade out of style.

“What was that?”

Lance doesn’t know what comes over him, but in his defense, he doesn’t expect Shiro to run with his suggestion. ”Why don’t you challenge your half-alien fiancé to a drinking contest then?”

“Thanks, I will.” Shiro immediately starts looking through the crowd for Keith.

“Wait, what? That’s a seriously bad idea, Shiro. You’re already a little drunk. Do you want to get blackout drunk?”

“I know my own limits, Lance. I’m an adult.”

Lance wants to protest that fact but he recognizes Shiro has entered stubborn mode and will not change his mind. Lance takes solace that even if Shiro is a stubborn moron, he can trust Keith to stop Shiro from drinking more than he can handle.

So if Shiro wants to make a fool of himself? That’s fine with Lance. He’s going to make sure everyone watches. He makes Veronica announce the contest, herds the crowd to Shiro and Keith’s table, and takes a few bets on the sly from the morons that don’t yet realize Keith is a drinking machine.

The contest goes about exactly how Lance expects it to. Two shots in and Shiro is already getting sloppy, throwing googly eyes at Keith. Three shots and he’s on Keith’s lap. Four, and he won’t stop calling Keith “baby.”

Allura slinks up next to Lance. She’s been busy with the food until now and he’s missed her dearly. He’s pretty sure he looks as stupid as Shiro does when he looks at her. “Shiro, you know what would be a good idea?”

Shiro looks at her questioningly.

“Allura,” Keith warns.

“If you took off your shirt. I bet Keith would appreciate it.” She says it seriously but Lance recognizes the devilish twinkle in her eyes.

“Allura!” Despite the complaining, Keith makes no move to stop Shiro from discarding his shirt like garbage. What’s worse, is after the next shot Shiro starts making out with Keith’s ear. It’s disgusting, and the moment Lance insists the contest is over.

He steals a few dances with Allura before it’s time to get onstage with Hunk and Coran. He’s been working on his routine for months and he can’t wait until all eyes are on him. The lights dim and the music starts. Lance puts on the performance of a lifetime. He’s perfected the art of the pole; his skills are unrivaled (in the Garrison at least). He even puts on a sexy pout Keith wishes he could pull off.

Coran rips his clothes off, which wasn’t planned for but Lance will allow it. He improvises a bit too and dances with Keith and Hunk but Keith isn’t a very good dancer. Lance’s talents are wasted on him. He gives up and finds Allura, the only person in the universe that can keep up with him on the dance floor.

It’s around 2:00 a.m. when he goes with Allura to the kitchen to pick up her purse and coat. She left them there earlier when she was setting up for the party with Hunk. They’re both a little tipsy so neither of them notices they’re not alone until it’s too late.

What they see cannot be unseen.

It’s not the murderer, but worse. It’s Keith and Shiro, clothing gone, doing unspeakable things on a stainless steel counter.

“What’s wrong with you two?” Lance is never going to be able to eat at the Garrison again. Not unless he can confirm it didn’t come from this particular kitchen.

“Oh my.” Allura giggles and picks up her things.

“This is unsanitary! People prepare food here!”

“Fuck off, Lance.” It’s the entirety of the attention Keith bothers to spare him. Shiro doesn’t react to their presence at all. They might as well not even be there with the way he keeps pawing at Keith.

“This is a health code violation!” Lance shouts as Allura drags him away. She’s very strong, making it impossible to resist her. She’s also very pretty, which is another reason he can’t resist her.

“Let them have their fun.”

Other than the violation of public decency, he notices nothing amiss in the kitchen. But then again, he was a bit distracted by what was happening on the counter to pay attention to the rest of the place. But he thinks the door to the pantry was still closed.

Still, he can’t entirely rule out that Keith and Shiro didn’t have something to do with the crime. Who knows what kind of kinks they were into? He shudders to even think about it.

V.

Pidge isn't surprised by the murder. She knew something would happen that night. It was inevitable. From the start, making sure the party won’t be a total disaster is an uphill battle.

“We should get a jacuzzi. And we definitely need to hire strippers and a live band. I bet we can get someone famous.” Pidge has zero interest in planning a bachelor party for anyone ever but once Lance appoints himself to the task she knows she needs to join him or else his antics may finally cause Keith to snap and kill him. Or at least uninvite him to the wedding which Lance would find even worse. He’s still bitter neither of them has chosen him as their best man.

“With what money? And why would Keith or Shiro want any of that?” Their budget consists of donations from Keith and Shiro’s friends and family (well, Keith’s family—Krolia contributed a few GAC though she didn’t understand what it was for). “It’s bad enough you wasted money on red napkins.”

“They need to match the decor, Pidge!”

She wants to chew him out for his absurd insistence that everything be red and black, but Coran derails the conversation with his lack of Earth knowledge.

“What exactly is a stripper?”

“Lance, don't answer that.” He doesn’t listen, and the conversation that follows is the first step towards the performance Lance and Coran will later insist is necessary for the success of the party. She disagrees but she also thinks it will be funny to see the look on Keith’s face when Lance starts pole dancing.

The performance is scheduled for 11:00 p.m. or thereabouts. It all depends on Pidge’s ability to get Keith and Shiro to sit down to watch. Shiro is drunk and easy to manipulate, but Keith is sober and sharp. Maneuvering them into place gains an extra hurdle when they take off dancing. Shiro dips, spins, and tosses Keith in every direction. It’s wild and unpredictable and a danger to everyone on the dance floor. Pidge can’t get to them until Veronica interrupts the music to announce the performance.

“Keith, Shiro, we have something special planned. Follow me.” She directs her words at Shiro. He’s the only one she really needs to convince anyway. Keith will follow after him.

“What are you planning, Pidge?” Keith is immediately suspicious.

“It’s a surprise. You’ll want to sit in the left chair, probably.” She’s pretty sure Keith will prefer a lap dance from Hunk over Coran.

Allura carries a pole onstage like it weighs nothing. Keith is instantly on high alert. His eyes dart around the crowd, assessing the situation. There are three people conspicuously missing.

“I’m going to fucking kill them.” The music blares to life and the light system goes wild. Pidge discreetly pulls out her phone.

The absolute disgust on Keith’s face when Lance struts on stage is worth all of the stupidity Pidge has put up with. She takes hundreds of pictures of the moment before switching over to video. If it was anyone but Hunk (or Shiro of course) thrusting his hips in Keith’s vicinity, he would probably kill them. As it is, he clearly wants to bolt from his seat but Hunk has him trapped. It’s probably the funniest thing Pidge has ever seen. She’s pretty sure the video is going to be blurry from how hard she’s shaking her phone in laughter. This is easily the best night of her life.

It gets even better when Lance decides it’s a good idea to join Hunk in terrorizing Keith. They sandwich Keith between them and it snaps free everything Keith is holding back.

“You’ve got ten seconds before I summon my bayard.” Lance pretends not to hear him. “I’m going to cut you into tiny pieces and feed you to my wolf. Are you listening? You’ll be minced wolf food.” Lance continues to grind against him; it’s very brave of him. “I’m going to slice you, limb by limb. Ten, nine, eight, seven—”

“—You’re no fun. You know that, right?” Lance gives up and leaves Keith with Hunk. Keith is so relieved he stops trying to escape. He dances with Hunk, even taking the lead. It’s cute and not worthy blackmail material.

Pidge decides she’s had enough of annoying drunks and loud music for the time being and heads to the kitchen to see if there’s anything left to eat. She’s not sure of the exact time, maybe 11:15 p.m. The pantry’s doors are closed when she gets there. She never opens them, so she can’t confirm if the victim is still alive. There’s still a few uneaten snacks left that she shoves down. She has some ice cream to top it off. She thinks all and all it can’t be more than twenty minutes before the doors to the kitchen open and Keith and Shiro tumble in. They don’t see her; they’re way too wrapped up in each other. She ducks behind the counter and sneaks out of the kitchen. She doesn’t feel like intruding in their little bubble of happiness.

Also, Keith was starting to shove his hand down Shiro’s pants.

She spends the rest of the night collecting blackmail material and does not head back to the kitchen.

VI.

Acxa doesn’t understand why she’s even a suspect. She’s never even heard of the victim.

It’s a familiar feeling at this point—not knowing things. Whenever she thinks she’s gotten Earth pinged, something happens that reminds her of how weird the planet is. She doesn’t mind though. Earth’s weirdness is a lot better than the Galra’s mundane evil.

At about one varga into the night, she stops by the bar for a drink.

“Ooh, hello Acxa.” Romelle is as cheerful as ever. Her hair is in an elaborate braided bun and she’s wearing what Acxa recognizes as a bartender’s uniform, but in black and red. “What would you like to order?”

Acxa stares at the foreign words around her and points. “That blue one? I don't know what the label says.”

“Neither do I! Thank you for pointing. Everyone else is being so confusing. Jäger this, Cosmo that. I don’t know what any of those words mean.” She pours Acxa’s drink and sticks on a lemon slice.

“Kosmo? Like the wolf?” Did Keith name his wolf after a drink? That was unexpected.

“I don’t know! I’ve been trying to follow Ina’s example but I keep forgetting which ones go together. Who knew bartending was so hard?”

Acxa chooses not to point out that perhaps Romelle shouldn’t be bartending. “I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it.”

“Thank you, Acxa.”

The drink is okay but as Acxa feared it does nothing for her. Earth liquor is weak by Galra standards. It’s missing a certain kick most other alien alcohols have.

Bored, she decides to see if Veronica can step away for a moment. Destination in mind, she doesn’t notice Lance barreling toward her until it’s too late. He sends her drink flying, and even if she wasn’t getting anything out of it, she’s still pissed. “Watch where you’re going.”

Lance squints his eyes, a pathetic attempt at a glare. “You watch where _you’re_ going.”

Acxa rolls her eyes and sticks out her tongue. She doesn’t have time for Lance’s nonsense. She pushes through the crowd and smiles when she finally reaches Veronica.

“Hey.” The music is loud around them but Acxa focuses her hearing on the woman in front of her.

“Hey, you.” Veronica throws her a dazzling smile. It lights up her face and is the best thing Acxa has seen all night.

They chat as Veronica works. She’s easy to talk to. She makes Acxa feel like she belongs, like she’s being listened to. Lotor used to make her feel this way, but she knows now it wasn’t real with him. Acxa opened herself up to him, trusted him, and he kept his true feelings hidden from her. Veronica isn’t like that. She’s quick to tell Acxa how she’s feeling, what she’s thinking.

Acxa is so focused on Veronica she doesn’t notice Lance approaching them. She forces a smile onto her face. She’s trying her best to get along with him in front of Veronica. She has no idea why he keeps antagonizing her; other than trying to kill him and his friends a few times, she’s been very pleasant with him, and he doesn’t give Ezor and Zethrid nearly the same amount of grief as he does her.

“Veronica, I need to you to announce something. Keith and Shiro are going to have a drinking contest. It’s going to be an epic showdown that decides the fate of their marriage. Something like that. Please?”

“Epic showdown. Keith and Shiro. Got it.”

Veronica makes the announcement, throwing in more pizazz than the occasion warrants. Slowly, the partygoers make their way to the corner of the room where the contest is happening.

“You know,” Veronica says, “everyone’s pretty distracted right now. I could use a break. Wanna go somewhere more private?”

They find privacy in the kitchen. On the patio, they watch the stars. Acxa is getting used to the view from Earth, which is a strange feeling. She’s never stayed in one place long enough to get used to the stars around her. Not since she was a child at least, but back then she never looked up.

They don’t stay for long. Veronica still has a job to do. Neither of them goes near the pantry. Again, she has no idea why she’s a suspect.

Yes, she does stop by the kitchen one more time that night with Veronica but they’re in and out of there within a dobosh once they notice Keith and Shirogane’s silhouettes on the patio, going at it on the outdoor sofa.

VII.

Keith wants it known that he didn’t want a bachelor party and he didn’t ask for a bachelor party. Bachelor parties are for celebrating being unmarried. Why the hell would Keith want to celebrate being unmarried? If it was up to him, he and Shiro would have eloped on date #1. Okay fine, date #2 because he was a mess on date #1.

Keith is fully prepared to spend the entire night at the bar. He’s not a particularly big drinker but it gives him an excuse not to talk to anyone. He lets Romelle mix him whatever she feels like. He says hello to the guests that stop by the bar. Iverson in particular looks as thrilled to be there as Keith does. Keith can tell he’s going to bolt the first chance he gets. Keith doesn’t blame him. He would too if he could.

“Hey, mullet.” Lance slides in next to him, destroying the peaceful corner he’s carved out. “Whatcha drinking?

Keith tries to recall what Romelle did with this particular drink but can’t. “Not sure. You know Romelle can’t read English, right?”

“Really? I had no idea. Be careful then. You don’t want to end up shitfaced and making a fool of yourself.” He grins like he’s very much looking forward to Keith getting shitfaced and making a fool of himself.

“Don’t worry, I can handle my liquor.”

The grin slides off his face and is replaced by a familiar expression that lets Keith know Lance is about to propose something incredibly stupid. “Oh yeah? I bet I can outdrink you.”

Keith bites back a laugh. He would like to see Lance try. “I really don’t think you can.”

“How about we hold a little contest?” It’s exactly the reaction Keith was hoping for.

Lance grabs a bottle from Romelle and they take turns drinking shots. Keith watches smugly as Lance grows increasingly frustrated and redfaced. It almost makes the entire night worth it.

Sadly, Lance catches on eventually. “Okay, no fair. You’re cheating.”

He puts on his sweetest, most innocent expression. “How can I be cheating? I’m drinking the exact same stuff you are.”

“I’m not an idiot! I don’t know how you’re cheating, but you are.”

Keith can tell the mystery is eating Lance alive. It takes all his self-restraint to keep the smug enjoyment from his expression. “You’re just a sore loser.”

Keith should have realized his actions would have consequences. Somehow, Lance goads Shiro into challenging Keith into a drinking contest. It’s an incredibly stupid idea, but Keith can’t admit to Shiro why he really, really, shouldn’t do this without alerting Lance. He tries his best to give Shiro an out, but Shiro is incredibly stubborn when he wants to be.

“Are you sure you want to do this?”

Shiro ignores Keith’s offer and takes a shot. The crowd cheers him on. There’s no going back. Keith takes a shot, drinking it down like it’s water, and watches Shiro’s reaction. It serves to set Shiro off even more. The shots hit Shiro hard.

After shot three he sits in Keith’s lap and it’s a special kind of hell. Shiro is heavy in the best way. It makes Keith dizzy. When Shiro calls him “baby” he’s a goner. He wants to kiss Shiro, but they’re in the middle of the contest. He knows he’s looking up at Shiro like an idiot; he wishes he could say his face is red from the alcohol only.

“Shiro, you know what would be a good idea?” Allura singsongs. It sets off Keith’s alarm bells.

He turns away from Shiro to throw her a warning glare. “Allura.”

“If you took off your shirt. I bet Keith would appreciate it.”

Keith’s protests fall on deaf ears. Shiro yanks off his shirt and Keith is just thankful Allura didn’t tell him to take off his pants too. Shiro’s broad chest is all Keith can see. He thinks he understands now what feeling drunk feels like.

“You’re cute.” Shiro poke’s Keith’s nose. “Are you single?”

“I’m engaged, actually. This is my bachelor party.”

Shiro leans down and whispers in Keith’s ear. “That’s too bad. I guess if I can only have you for one night, I have to make it count.” He bites and sucks at Keith’s earlobe. He gets a little sloppy, but Keith doesn’t care. He loves everything Shiro does.

Lance ends the contest, but Keith hardly notices. The only person he has eyes for is Shiro.

The music starts up again and Shiro takes him to dance. He melts in Shiro’s arms. Shiro is happy and carefree in a way he rarely is in public. It makes Keith’s heart swell. Shiro dips him and it feels magical. His prosthetic arm is strong and keeps him from falling, even when he lets all his weight press against it. Shiro tosses him; he yells in surprise. Shiro spins him and when he pulls Keith back, Keith leans against Shiro’s chest for support. Shiro wraps an arm around him and it feels like home. Their hearts beat as one.

Sadly, they’re interrupted by Lance’s stupid surprise “performance.” He wishes he could scrub the sight of Lance pole dancing from his memory.

He hits his Lance tolerance levels for the day when Lance starts grinding against him. Luckily, Lance gives up and slinks off to Allura. Keith dances with Hunk instead who is an enthusiastic, if slightly overwhelming, partner. He falls in love with Shiro a little bit more when Shiro rescues him from the dance floor and takes him to the kitchen.

It’s exactly what Keith needs. He loves their friends, even Lance (usually), but parties aren’t his thing. They’re overwhelming, and not in a good way. He gets tired of the socializing, gets sick of the loud music, can’t stand the drunks, and hates the way people get obnoxious and handsy with him. He’s so happy to be away from it all he finally kisses Shiro properly. Shiro returns the kiss and spins him around the kitchen. The music blares through the walls, muffled, but it’s still there. They kiss and dance, among other things. He’s not sure when they fall asleep. It’s late but the stars are still out; they watch them as they snuggle together on the patio.

He wakes up to the sound of shouting. He ignores it and presses his face into Shiro’s chest. Shiro is warm despite the cold morning. He wants to stay like this forever.

Shiro groans and presses his hands against his head. Keith grimaces. Right, Shiro is probably going to have a hangover from hell. Keith forgets about things like that.

There’s more shouting, and Keith recognizes the voice as Iverson’s.

“Hey, go back to sleep. I’ll go check on what’s got Iverson’s panties in a twist.” Shiro makes a sound of protest when Keith gets up. Keith kisses his forehead gently, pushing back Shiro’s hair. “Sleep. I’ll get you water and something for your head.”

When he finds the crime scene, he’s utterly flummoxed by how it happened. He’s spent a good chunk of the night in the kitchen with Shiro and they didn’t see anyone else. A lot of that time they were on the patio though, so he can’t rule out that someone snuck in without them noticing. He thinks if anyone is to blame, it’s probably Lance. It’s exactly the kind of thing he would do.

VIII.

_8:47 p.m._ Iverson makes sure his prize-winning cookies are safe and sound for the night. He’s modeled them in the shape of the Voltron lions. They’re quite cute. He eats one of the yellow lions, and then a green lion. It’s not a big deal. They’re his cookies, and he’s made enough that eating one or two won’t be a problem for tomorrow’s bake sale.

_9:36 p.m._ Acxa rummages around the kitchen for something to eat. In the pantry, she finds miniature versions of the paladin’s lions. She eats one of the black lions. They’re sweet; she kind of likes it. She has another one and offers a red lion to Veronica, but Veronica passes. “I think Iverson is selling them tomorrow at the bake sale.” Acxa shrugs. There are still plenty of cookies left.

_11:17 p.m._ Pidge ransacks the kitchen for something to eat. She leaves no drawer unopened. She climbs on the counter and searches the cupboards. Inevitably, she yanks open the pantry’s doors and finds Iverson’s cookies. They look amazing and delicious. She eats four green lions, two yellow lions, three blue lions, and one red lion. She’s still eating the red lion when Shiro and Keith crash into the kitchen, passionately sucking face. She grabs a black lion to go and sneaks out of the kitchen before they can notice her.

_12:04 a.m._ Shiro and Keith take a break from their activities and grab a bite to eat. Keith finds Iverson’s cookies and smiles. He grabs a red and black lion for himself, and two black lions for Shiro.

_2:12 a.m._ Lance and Allura walk into the kitchen. Allura grabs her coat and bag while Lance heads straight for the pantry. He grabs a blue lion cookie, and then a red lion. He offers the blue lion to Allura but she passes. A loud sound, like someone falling down, catches their attention. They investigate and find Keith on top of Shiro on one of the counters. Lance yells at them until Allura drags him out of the room.

_2:49 a.m._ Veronica and Acxa enter the kitchen. Acxa grabs four black lion cookies and one each of the rest and shoves them into Veronica’s handbag. Veronica gives her a disapproving look, but Acxa promises she’ll pay Iverson for them tomorrow. They head to the patio, but it’s already occupied. Acxa turns redfaced and Veronica starts making lewd gestures. They leave the kitchen holding hands.

_4:14 a.m._ A bright light appears in the pantry. A wolf follows soon after. The wolf sniffs around, knocking things over and destroying half the pantry in the process. A black lion cookie falls to the floor. The wolf cautiously tastes it. His eyes light up in delight. He knocks over the rest of the cookies and makes his way through them. He crushes a few and utterly destroys the packaging Iverson has meticulously stored them in.

_8:04 a.m._ Iverson opens the pantry and screams.

**Author's Note:**

> the veronica/acxa is there because i'm a lesbian


End file.
